Friday, 8 January 2016

Important rules and warnings for immigrants to New Zealand

You're daft if you don't come but we don't want the place overcrowded. Then take note of the following facts

l)Wakefield's notes for intending colonists advises you to bring a pre-packed house with you. The firm he mentions has probably gone out of business since the 1840s but do remember, as a note for  Erskine fellows from the University of Canterbury puts it "New Zealand houses are not like British or American Houses" Why?  No Central heating and no insulation. Bet they're bloody cold in winter

2) They all say they've got wi-fi but haven't. What they've got is pretend wifi for which they pay by use ( So many megabytes a month-with a cap which is another rip off because its no extra cost to them whether you use 100 megabytes a month or 8,000 watching pornography. You can burn through your cap in a week end-or ten minutes if you've got kids) as if you had to pay for the water by how many baths you have (therefore free for the English settlers) where we pay for broadband as a facility twenty quid or so a month along with the phone, TV and probably a shoe cleaning service. Broadband providers should be renamed broadband exploiters aka greedy bastards

3) Charlotte Godley points out that if you bring a cow it will eat local weeds and die next day. That was 1850 when cows travelled free with their owners. Now you have to pay so many mega cows a berth so it"s not worth bringing any.

4) Remember books are dear so bring as many as possible with you and charge neighbours to borrow them. It's difficult to buy books because NZ second hand sellers don't seem to be on ABE and prices given there are in US dollars with huge American postal charges. Even more difficult to buy direct from the publisher. I wanted a book about Ch Ch hospital. Scorpio books had a waiting list of 2 and no books. Rang publisher to get a message that she's overseas and a recommendation to ring another number. Rang that. She's away. Sent an e mail to the author. No answer..Looks like I'll have to wait for the second hand market at three times the published price in five years time.

5) If you've any interest in buying antiques bring them with you.  The word translates here as bric a brac and distressed at that. I tried to get a picture of Richard John Seddon. One used to hang in every old person's house. Now people look blank and ask who's he?

6) Always wear dark glasses. The light is so bright its cateracts in two days if you don't. Makes it difficult to tell the difference between tourists and the mafia but you don't want to end up blind and begging on the streets. No one will see you. 

7) Don't pay in advance for anything from Dick Smith 

8) If  you'd like a selfie with Prime Minister John Key a free service is available

9) Drop no litter, smoke no fags and always sort the rubbish and put it in the appropriate wheelie bin. It's all examined by the NZ Security Intelligence Service  and plastic in a bin for paper can lead to arrest and summary execution

10) More later. You'll love it. In fact you've got to if you value your teeth. Which you should do. Dentistry is so expensive. 

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