Groaniad v The People an apology

Owing to an editorial oversight in yesterday's GROANIAD the article by Martin Kettle was mistakenly curtailed. It should have been titled twenty four ways of stopping Brexit, not four.

The ways missed out were:-

1. Vote Liberal at every available election including parish councils
2. Don't mention Britain joining the Euro
3. Omit any mention of EU treatment of Greece
4. Always picture Farage as a Buffoon, preferably drinking
5. Describe the Brexit Three as fools and possibly corrupt
6. Portray every problem as due to Brexit
7. Emphasise the EU's love of Britain and its desire to be led by U.K.
8. Highlight every EU hope to punish U.K. And ruin our economy
9. Point out that they're only doing this for our own good
10. Always describe tax fiddles by Luxembourg etc as due to the inefficiency of HMRC not duplicity by other EU members
11. Warn that the City of London will collapse with Brexit
12. Indicate that the house price bubble will burst
13. Attack government as indecisive and unclear about what it wants
14. Emphasise the benefits of immigration particularly to plumbing social care and brain surgery
15. Urge government to go for a soft Brexit but don't say what it is
16. Highlight the fear of EU immigrants of being deported
17. Portray the terrors of British villa owners in Spain Italy and France at the possibility of their lovely homes being demolished
18. Don't mention the UK's trade deficit with the EU or our surplus with the rest of the world
19. Point out the social consequences of buying cheaper wine and butter from New Zealand in drunken obesity
20. Portray the North of England as drunken half wits who deserve to be unemployed who should be deprived of the vote
21. Anything else you can invent to frighten people
22. Read the Guardian bringing you daily news of fresh Brigette disasters and not much else
23. Protect the jobs of Britain's Euro MPs and officials and emphasise the dangers of turning them loose on our streets
24. Underline the wisdom of Tony Blair and John Major and the growing realisation that the people were stupid,racist,ignorant,mislead and badly conned by voting for Brexit without understanding its consequences.

Important denouncement from the Groaniad

The people having rejected our advice and stupidly voted for Brexit,we've had complaints,largely from Grimsby,that every issue of the Groaniad has been banging on against Brexit. This great, liberal and democratic newspaper has no desire  to become a middle class Militant with each days edition  the same, all filled with stories news and opinion denouncing the dictatorship of the majority and showing Brexit in the worst possible light. The Snott trust has therefore decided to stop daily publication so as not to make  Britain as miserable as we are. Henceforth wise will  issue only one monthly consolidated edition of the Euro- Guardian. 

Each monthly edition  will guarantee :-

1) At least fifteen stories about the economic damage which will result from leaving the European Union.

1. Twelve stories about the damage to the NHS, education , employment and the loss of EU grants from Brexit
2. Five stories about the psychological damage to liberals ,health and race relations of Brexit.
3. A column by Polly Toynbee calling on the Labour Party to abandon its petty obsessions with feminism, ethnic diversity,housing,health and poverty and urging it to lead the nation against Brexit, whatever the consequences .
4. At last one article by Will Hutton warning on the damage to the Universities, Corporate governance, the City and his college's grant from the EU which will arise from leaving the EU
5. A letter from Europe by Natalie Nougayrede describing how much EU members will miss us,  the great opportunities Britain is throwing away to lead Europe and the loss of Pernod and Prosseco which will make the plebs miserable
6. A tirade from Owen Jones about the misery caused to the chaps of the Establishment  by the ill informed vandalism of under educated Chavs determined to undermine its long tradition of decency , civility and kindness to the poor and needy.
7. An article by Timothy Garton Ash warning that the EU will have no alternative to ruining the British economy,pushing unemployment up to Greek levels and devastating the City of London and the banks pour decourager les autres . The EU wants to keep Le Pen, Podemus and the AFD out of power not encourage Euro-scepticism in other members

8  A commentary by George Monbiot warning how unhappy British fishermen will be because Europeans are no longer able to catch their fish for them and showing why global warming will  be the inevitable result

1. A note by Larry Elliot saying we're in a big enough mess already
2. A letter from  Mein Junker urging Britain to stay in and do dirty deals on taxes of the type which have made his country so prosperous.

First edition of the New Euro-Guardian available to be published in Frankfort on the Ides of Brexit. Subscriptions (in Euros please) two Guardian House, O'Connell St, Dublin.

Important denouncement from the Groaniad

The people having rejected our advice and stupidly voted for Brexit,we've had complaints, largely from Grimsby, that every issue of the Groaniad has been banging on against Brexit. This great, liberal and democratic newspaper has no desire  to become a middle class Militant with each days edition  the same, all filled with stories news and opinion denouncing the dictatorship of the majority and showing Brexit in the worst possible light. The Snott trust has therefore decided to stop daily publication so as not to make  Britain as miserable as we are. Henceforth wise will  issue only one monthly consolidated edition of the Euro- Guardian. 

Each monthly edition  will guarantee :-

1) At least fifteen stories about the economic damage which will result from leaving the European Union.

1. Twelve stories about the damage to the NHS, education , employment and the loss of EU grants from Brexit
2. Five stories about the psychological damage to liberals ,health and race relations of Brexit.
3. A column by Polly Toynbee calling on the Labour Party to abandon its petty obsessions with feminism, ethnic diversity,housing,health and poverty and urging it to lead the nation against Brexit, whatever the consequences .
4. At last one article by Will Hutton warning on the damage to the Universities, Corporate governance, the City and his college's grant from the EU which will arise from leaving the EU
5. A letter from Europe by Natalie Nougayrede describing how much EU members will miss us,  the great opportunities Britain is throwing away to lead Europe and the loss of Pernod and Prosseco which will make the plebs miserable
6. A tirade from Owen Jones about the misery caused to the chaps of the Establishment  by the ill informed vandalism of under educated Chavs determined to undermine its long tradition of decency , civility and kindness to the poor and needy.
7. An article by Timothy Garton Ash warning that the EU will have no alternative to ruining the British economy,pushing unemployment up to Greek levels and devastating the City of London and the banks pour decourager les autres . The EU wants to keep Le Pen, Podemus and the AFD out of power not encourage Euro-scepticism in other members

8  A commentary by George Monbiot warning how unhappy British fishermen will be because Europeans are no longer able to catch their fish for them and showing why global warming will  be the inevitable result

9   A note by Larry Elliot saying we're in a big enough mess already

10  A letter from Mein Junker urging Britain to stay in and do dirty deals on taxes of the type which have made his country so prosperous.

11 Obituaries of Brexiteers cancelled. We will only publish regrets for departing Remainers. Their names remaineth for ever more. 

First edition of the New Euro-Guardian available to be published in Frankfort on the Ides of Brexit. Subscriptions (in Euros please) two Guardian House, O'Connell St, Dublin.

The tyranny of the majority

I woke up this morning to hear John Major denouncing "the tyrany of the majority" Shock horror!  Having discovered that the people hadn't done what he wanted on Europe was he now demanding a recount on the 1997 election result? Or as the voice of "Middle Europe" was he being fair to Gordon Brown by requiring the much closer election of 2010 to be re-run so that Osborne's disastrous policy of cure by killing could have been avoided.

No. He was merely joining the chorus of yesterday's men claiming that a referendum result which doesn't suit them must be reversed to produce the result they want. They claim that the people were conned, the result disastrous,ensuring that the country will slump into disaster all because the people were so stupid they didn't listen to them. 

John Major was applying to join the League of Failed Big Wigs ,President T.Blair, Vice Chairs Paddy Ashdown and Nick Clegg,rapporteurs Polly Toynbee, Bill Keegan and Will Hutton, country members Esther McVay and George Osborne. This powerful team is now organising a British resistance movement, to stop Britain becoming free,or at the very least sabotage its negotiating position and ensure that it's humbled by the wise men of Brussels

Their weapon is Operation Fear 2. Operation Fear 1 failed because it's predictions of immediate disaster from a no vote on the EU weren't frightening enough. So they've  doubled the dose. Now they  predict mass unemployment, a massive deficit, the collapse of the City and the car industry, unstoppable floods of immigrants and massive charges not to belong to the EU, unless Brexit is stopped before its even begun. The Commons must reject it. The democratic bastion of the Lords must stop it. The people must vote again . The EU loves us so much that it will destroy the British economy ,cripple the country  and collapse house prices as farewell gifts if we're so stupid as to leave its Elysian fields.

This isn't an underground like the wartime Maquis in France. The Remoaners are too posh to scratch their Rolexs , tear their tailoring or get their Saville Row pants dirty with that. Their weapons aren't guns but  pens  yielded for any organ which pay them. The Guardian,the New Statesman,  or the BBC. This is an overground elite force :the Euro-Guards. Their inspiration a re-write of Churchill: "We will fight them in the Board Rooms, in the Banks,on our Yachts. We will always surrender" Their reward not in heaven but in Europe. Preferably now and in Euros not depreciating pounds.Or jobs. 

 Be afraid,Ye Brexiters. Be very afraid. Your only hope now is that the people.who Remoaners tell us were stupid to vote for Brexit remain stupid enough to put this rubbish where it belongs. Junked in the Junker  can of history. 

Sent from my iPad

THE LONELINESS OF THE LABOUR BREXITEER

I once thought it was a mistake to have retired from politics. Labour's got itself into a major mess since I left and I could  have become a member of the shadow cabinet for at least a week. Now I'm not so sure  I'm learning that leprosy is better than being a Labour Brexiteer.  I dropped into my old haunt a few weeks back to be welcomed effusively by Tory Brexiteers but my former comrades in the struggle for socialism (or whatever it was, memory fails me) treated me  like a bad smell, an incipiant fascist, even a friend of Farage -who I've met and liked, though its better not to say so . 

Life's no fun any more. The referendum is over but all the organs I once turned to, the Guardian, the Observer, and the New Statresman are still fighting it and proclaiming Remain as the real winner.. The Gurus at whose feet I once worshipped;Will Hutton, William Keegan, Polly Toynbee are all so hysterically anti Brexit they want Labour to  use a Parliamentary strength it hasn't got to reject it . When it isn't developing suicide as a political strategy the party of the people is busy telling them they're wrong , stupid and gullible.They should  drop their dislike of immigration and follow Lady Curzon's advice to anxious wives  "lie back and think of England"It prompts the question "what shall they know of England who only Europe know?"

It's a bit bemusing to see the party of democracy rejecting its verdict and telling the people they're so stupid that they were conned by specious lies ( far less accurate than Remain's fears) and should gratefully accept the European policy of voting again to correct electoral mistakes.In only a quarter of a century we've stood on our heads on the EU but it's still difficult to ignore the fact that a third of our party's people voted for Brexit and seventy percent of Labour MPs took a different view to their constituents.

 All this could indicate that our  oppositionist  mentality drives us to take on the people as well as the Tories. Or it may indicate that a party which can and should do better than the EU for the workers, the unions and for racial harmony has come to believe that it will never hold power again to do it so we should  be grateful for any crumbs from the  table of an institution which has been so generous to Greece and other failures. 

 THIS could be  animal farm in reverse  with us turning into the Liberals and learning to love the institution which drains us of money, jobs and demand so that Labour's new destiny is to proclaim our Euro enthusiasm, join the Euro and  leap off the EU's naughty step  to lead the whole shambling mess in a British direction which its so obstinately refused to take for fourty years. 

Why all the fuss? The judges verdict that  Parliament should agree to giving notice under article fifty was treated as if it was the end of Brexit . In fact its only a statement of the bleeding obvious. Parliament should and parliament will consent. It  can't deny the verdict of the people and Labour dare not  face the early election which rejection would mean. Nor is it a statement that Parliament should dictate the terms of negotiations if only because it can't.To shackle our side  is to undermine our negotiators and create a Euro fifth column suporting a  Commission which doesn't have a similar disloyal pack hounding its heels and proclaiming that the other side is right in a recreation of Munch's Primal Scream

We could hardly do that and get the best deal for Britain as the people have commissioned us to do. It's only  when the negotiating game of two sided bluff  produces a compromise that Parliament can decide and the proposals  be put to the people to tell us  whether it fulfils their desire to take back control.

 That will be 2019. Just before an election scheduled for 2020. By that  time the world will have changed in ways no one can now foretell  I can't predict the outcome Nor can the Rampant remainers who claim to be  clairvoyant so they can tell us right now that we'll get nowt. I may not have their powers but  I do know that it's better to wait and decide then, rather than indulging  now in an over emotional war of hypothetical nightmares which will go on for the next two and a half years. Shut up the lot of you.

Remaindered again!

Rampant Remainers just won't give up. Having lost the battle they're now refighting it, demanding a rerun and wanting Parliament to veto negotiations.

Their predictions of doom gloom and disaster turned out to be wrong. So they're now relaunching them, claiming that things have got worse though no one's noticed and disaster will still befall the economy, the universities, the banks  and the shops if (rather than when) we give notice to move out.

This undermines confidence and encourages the EU to demand the toughest possible terms aimed at ruining us if we leave.With a little help from their Nritish fifth column.

Why are they so intent on knocking Britain? Because they want to stop Brexit and use the house of Commons to negate the verdict of the people. So why not think for a moment of the consequences if  we have to stay in an organisation the people want to leave.

The least is that it will make us look silly. A nation whose leaders can't lead and which cant make up its mind.We'll get no respect if we slink back to Brussels' tail between our legs to be even more disregarded and ignored than we were before.We were on the periphery then. Now it would be the very naughty step

We'll lose confidence in ourselves and the world will ,lose confidence in us as a failing nation that can't even stand on its own feet and doesn't dare to try. We'll protest at the coming increase in our contribution but be unable to stop it. The drain of money, jobs and demand from Britain will grow as will our balance of payments deficitNo help will be forthcoming from the EU,not even more of our own money back.It's policy for failing states is to treat them like Greece and screw them into the ground to give them the fitness  and health rigor Mortis brings.

If the Remainers are correct in saying that the fall in the pound is due to a collapse of confidence (which they aren't) then the pound should go back  up. British manufacturers would lose their new competitiveness

The left behind people who supported Brexit will feel even more left behind and alienation from politics and the parties will grow. If the politicians don't accept the verdict of the people it compounds existing anger What's the use of voting if the bastards don't listen?

Because we can't pay our way in the world and will neither be allowed to help manufacturing to revive nor to boost exports we'll have to sell off more and more of our companies,property and land to foreigners and do everything we can to attract funny money to London to keep us afloat.

We won't be allowed to cut down on EU migration,so government will be forced to reduce Commonwealth immigration to keep down the numbers .We'll become more of a police state requiring firms and landlords to report aliens and track asylum seekers though we won't be able to deport them because it might disturb their family life and no other country will have them.

Because our influence will be reduced 

and because we've been humbled it will be more difficult to resist lunatic schemes like the European army,the admission of Turkey,money wasted on projects like Galileo or fraud in the ever increasing EU budget and its aid programmes. Who's going to listen to us now?

There won't be anyenthusiastic welcome home party to welcome us back,heads held high,to Brussels.But it's not too difficult to imagine the smirk on Junker's face as he gives Theresa May a welcoming nip on the bum."Rejoice",he'll say,knowing the British contribution to his salary is safe.Oh happy day. 

The thoughts of Tony Blair on Brexit Britain

I will lead a new resistance movement arousing the British people as only I can to throw off the undemocratic tyranny of the abominable Brexiteers. I promise to lead the nation back to where it rightly belongs, at the heart of Europe, somewhere near Prague.

The former leader of the Labour Party made his declaration at the annual conference of the Goldman Sachs and Related Trades Union in Jersey.

Are we to abandon our long and close relationship with Uzbekistan and Hungary and allow the British people to be misled by by these deceitful demagogues of disaster who have conned the people by their lies and deceit into voting against their own interests and turning the ship of state  into a frightening war torn world which even I haven't been able to lead onto the ways of peace. Are we to risk the support, cooperation and prosperity which the European Union brings and miss out on the benefits of the Gallileo satellite guidance system and the European army?

I know well that the British people are too badly  informed and stupid to know their own interests. They must be allowed to vote again and deliver the verdict all right thinking people want . That can only be to go back to the support and economic strength which the Eurozone has brought to Germany and the benefits it brings  to Greece.

I have mobilised the full resources of Mandelson Associates, the Euro MPs Benevolent Society and the Junker Foundation to compile a powerful and objective Dossier written up by the respected historian Alastair Campbell This accurately describes the disasters which must befall Britain if Brexit is allowed to go ahead. 

The City of London will be destroyed within 45 minutes. Billions of pounds, many of them mine, will leave the country. European medicine and science will be closed to us so bubonic plague will spread and excluded from the Schengen area our people will have nowhere to take refuge from the vengeful Roma who'll batter down our fragile border defences. 

I now call on the British people to join me and my all party coalition with Paddy Ashdown and John Major in our rage at the dying of the Euro light and restore the  full democracy of rule by those born to know the way the Nation's interest, and our own.Kill Brexit. Give the EU control and let us march together to wherever America wants us to be.