Important denouncement from the Groaniad

The people having rejected our advice and stupidly voted for Brexit,we've had complaints, largely from Grimsby, that every issue of the Groaniad has been banging on against Brexit. This great, liberal and democratic newspaper has no desire  to become a middle class Militant with each days edition  the same, all filled with stories news and opinion denouncing the dictatorship of the majority and showing Brexit in the worst possible light. The Snott trust has therefore decided to stop daily publication so as not to make  Britain as miserable as we are. Henceforth wise will  issue only one monthly consolidated edition of the Euro- Guardian. 

Each monthly edition  will guarantee :-

1) At least fifteen stories about the economic damage which will result from leaving the European Union.

1. Twelve stories about the damage to the NHS, education , employment and the loss of EU grants from Brexit
2. Five stories about the psychological damage to liberals ,health and race relations of Brexit.
3. A column by Polly Toynbee calling on the Labour Party to abandon its petty obsessions with feminism, ethnic diversity,housing,health and poverty and urging it to lead the nation against Brexit, whatever the consequences .
4. At last one article by Will Hutton warning on the damage to the Universities, Corporate governance, the City and his college's grant from the EU which will arise from leaving the EU
5. A letter from Europe by Natalie Nougayrede describing how much EU members will miss us,  the great opportunities Britain is throwing away to lead Europe and the loss of Pernod and Prosseco which will make the plebs miserable
6. A tirade from Owen Jones about the misery caused to the chaps of the Establishment  by the ill informed vandalism of under educated Chavs determined to undermine its long tradition of decency , civility and kindness to the poor and needy.
7. An article by Timothy Garton Ash warning that the EU will have no alternative to ruining the British economy,pushing unemployment up to Greek levels and devastating the City of London and the banks pour decourager les autres . The EU wants to keep Le Pen, Podemus and the AFD out of power not encourage Euro-scepticism in other members

8  A commentary by George Monbiot warning how unhappy British fishermen will be because Europeans are no longer able to catch their fish for them and showing why global warming will  be the inevitable result

9   A note by Larry Elliot saying we're in a big enough mess already

10  A letter from Mein Junker urging Britain to stay in and do dirty deals on taxes of the type which have made his country so prosperous.

11 Obituaries of Brexiteers cancelled. We will only publish regrets for departing Remainers. Their names remaineth for ever more. 

First edition of the New Euro-Guardian available to be published in Frankfort on the Ides of Brexit. Subscriptions (in Euros please) two Guardian House, O'Connell St, Dublin.